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Friday, May 18, 2007

The 5 Worst Albums I've Ever Owned

These days, my judgement is pretty much superior to everyone else's. This is why no one really visits this blog, because they can't handle such supreme opinions. However, there was a time when my judgement was...well, lacking. During these reprehensible years, I purchased many albums, most of which I couldn't even think of listening to today. So the following list is comprised of worst 5 albums I've ever owned. Consider it my gift to you.

#5: Joe Diffie: "Third Rock From the Sun" - Yeah, I'll admit it. When I was a kid, I was big into country music. Not the lame country music now, specially formulated to make you cry or to make you fall in love with your tractor. No. I listened to good ol' fashioned Joe Diffie. And let's face it, a lot of other people did too. He had a freaking sitcom named after one of his songs! This was by far his best album, which admittedly isn't saying much. It contained such classics as "Pickup Man" and "Good Brown Gravy," so you know it's good.

#4: TV on the Radio: "Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes" - As a music snob, I suppose I'm supposed to like these guys. Hell, everyone else does. But no. A few years ago, I bought this CD based on word of mouth alone. Never have the words of others failed me so greatly. TV on the Radio remains one of the most overhyped bands around today, and they lack the talent to warrant such exposure. Sure, I bought this CD...but I gave it away a week later. In hindsight, it would've been more productive if I'd just set it on fire. Oh well.

#3: Sugarcult: "Start Static" - I made some bad decisions in high school, but I believe purchasing this album was the worst of them. I had just seen a video for "Pretty Girl" on MTV and I was really in the mood to buy a new album. So I head over to Wal-Mart (of all places), and I see this CD. I bought it. And I loved it! Sugarcult is probably more talented than I give them credit for (see hidden track), but that doesn't really change the fact that this album is mostly garbage. Half of it is on the Van Wilder soundtrack anyways, and you know that teen movie sountracks are just horrendous! Did I mention that Sugarcult was on My Super Sweet Sixteen? Don't support bands that support rich girls. Seriously.

#2: Stabbing Westward: "Darkest Days" - I've had this CD in my closet for about 4 years now, and I can't find a single person who will willingly take it off my hands. Let's just leave it at that.

#1: Carman: "Revival in the Land" - What? Who? Carman was a force to be reckoned with in Christian music back in the early 1990s. His free concerts were legendary, selling out venues as large as The Astrodome. And yet, in the midst of all this success there were very few people willing to state the obvious; Carman sucked! His songs were cheesier than Kraft Mac & Cheese! "The Champion" was about a boxing match between Jesus and Satan. "Resurrection Rap" is a horrid, horrid excuse for a rap song ("Word up! It's fresh! Christ will rise from the dead!). "A Witches Invitation" chronicles the adventures Carman has with a neighborhood witch, and how he totally one-ups him with the power of Jesus. "Who's in the House?" answers it's question with an emphatic "J.C.!" What about the spaghetti-western stylings of "Satan, Bite the Dust?" Come on! Carman was terrible! TERRIBLE! But in my youth, he was my absolute favorite. I had at least 5 of his albums on cassette. What were my parents thinking?


Anonymous said...

I don't think that any Carman album could be at the top of a worst albums I have ever owned list. Maybe at the top of a best albums I have ever owned list. Definitely not the worst.

Anonymous said...

yes i agree he is so not bad carmen is awesome