Top 5 Things to Leave Out of Your Band Name (Unless You Want Your Band to Suck)

Have you ever noticed that some of the worst music out there today is created by people who have some of the worst band names? It's true. In fact, here in the last week or so, I've noticed a surprising trend. As it turns out, there are 5 things that, if featured in a band or artist name, pretty much guarantee that the music will be terrible. If you're on the verge of starting a band, or already have, I urge you to read the following list and make any changes necessary to ensure that your band isn't cursed to a career of suckage.

#5: Parts of your poem - For the most part, and band name should be simple and easily remembered. You don't want your potential audience to cry every time they say your name. Sure, it may sound really good as you're sitting upstairs in your bedroom self-mutilating, but it's almost guaranteed to make your band suck. Here are some terrible examples of band names that have undoubtedly been spawned after a good cry: From Ashes Rise, Modern Life Is War, My Chemical Romance, From First to Last, Futher Seems Forever, and We Tread This Troubled Past. Ok, well the last one was completely fabricated by me, but you believed it and you immediately thought "Wow, that band must really suck" right? Exactly. Leave your poetry in the book next to the razor blades and come up with something a little less retarded.


#4: Combined words - If you absolutely can't stand your multiple-word band name, it's best to just scrap it and start over. Do not, under any circumstances, combine the words to form one uber-word. It's not cool and it makes you sound like a tool, and an illiterate one at that! Examples include: LoveHateHero, mewithoutyou, Axlexisonfire, boysetsfire, and underoath. Serioiusly, I can't stress this enough. Just don't do it.


#3: The word "boy" - Fall Out Boy, boysetsfire, Badly Drawn Boy, Boy Kill Boy, etc. The word boy (not to be confused with the plural, "boys") is music kryptonite. I have this couisin who knew this guy whose sister's boyfriend's dad was in this band once called "Strong Arm Man." Their record label thought the name was too aggressive, so they changed it to "Strong Arm Boy" and their music immediately suffered. As it turns out though, they made a lot of fans from the (like OMG!) female 13-17 demographic. Personally, I liked "Strong Arm Man" better. It sounded like a ZZ Top song...so you know it's good.


#2: A number - Quick, off the top of your head, name a band with a number in their name that is good. Can you do it? I sure can't. In fact, when I attempt it I involuntarily gag from all the thoughts of Blink 182, Sum 41, and Matchbox Twenty. Seriously, putting a number in your band name has never sounded cool and the results are always less than favorable. Just because you're not satisfied with your band name doesn't mean you can add a random number on the end of it and have it be acceptable. What if everything in the world was like that? Oh, I really want to call this item a refrigerator, but the name is so stale. It needs more zing! I've got it! I'll call it a Refrigerator 75! That's the ticket! No, it isn't! Can you imagine a world where I woke up in the morning 6, walked to the bathroom 683, and took a 2? (See what I did there?) That world would be retarded and not worth living in, much like your band is not worth listening to.


#1: The name Avril Lavigne - If you really want to give your band's integrity a good kick in the balls, call your band "Avril Lavigne" and make sure that you play the most god-awful music that has ever been spawned. Write all these crappy lyrics about how your ex is a total loser and then brag to every media outlet willing to give you the time of day about how you wrote it all yourself, as if it's not expected of you but you did it anyway. Then go on tour and charge exorbitant prices so that people can wallow in all your mediocrity. Oh, and if your album sales start to dip a little bit, it's okay to go all Kelly Clarkson for a song or two. Most people won't care at all. I'm not bitter or anything, it's just...why can't she be ugly too?