(Music) Paris Hilton: "Paris"

Uh. Yeah. That's hot.

Sure, it's probably not the best way in the world to start a review, but I'm making a point. The point is just that, it's an awful way to begin a review, or anything for that matter. The reasoning behind this is simple, it doesn't attract your target audience, unless, of course, your target audience are a bunch of 3rd grade, back of the room, booger-eating idiots. In that case, and only in that case, may you begin your review, movie, letter, song, whatever with "Uh. Yeah. That's hot."

Paris Hilton's target audience is a large group of 3rd grade, back of the room, booger-eating idiots.

Of course, the lead-off track to Paris Hilton's debut album "Paris," "Turn it Up," is a club track, often filled with, uhs and yeahs, if only to emphasize a point. But when Paris says "That's hot" for no particular reason except to act cheeky and sexy, I literally cringed. Not exactly the first impression you'd like to make to an American audience who is already skeptical of your musical abilities.

As it turns out, Paris Hilton's musical abilities are extremely limited.

I know, it's incredibly surprising, but true. To make up for this fact, Paris floods every second of this album with her own particular brand of artificial sexiness, making her voice so airy that Jessica Simpson suddenly sounds like old-school Whitney Houston. There's hardly a moment that goes by when Paris isn't half-whispering her childish lyrics into the microphone over some, admitedly, catchy beats. Sure you can think that it sounds sexy. But when you're trying your hardest to make "Every time I turn around the boys fightin' over me/Every time I step out the house they wanna fi-ight over me/Maybe cause I'm hot to death and I'm so suh-s-s-sexy-uh" sound like anything but a preteen wrote it, you just wind up sounding a little dumb.

It's of no surprise that "Stars are Blind" was the first single off of this album, as it's really one of the only songs that really allows Paris to sing without having to work with a thumping hip-hop beat. Of course, leave it to Paris to claim that all guys want to commit suicide when she walks away from them, but what else can you expect from this girl? "Screwed" is a pretty catchy song, but it would be more suited for Hilary Duff, than Paris Hilton. Still, she does an admirable job on the track, singing as clearly as she ever does on the album.

At her best, Paris Hilton sounds like a bad impression of Gwen Stefani, but at her worst she's trying so hard to make her songs appealing that she kills any hope of redemption. Paris can sing. She has made me a believer in that. But for the most part, these songs are so poorly-written and poorly-executed that there's no saving "Paris" from sounding like a joke, which it often is. The album is extremely unfocused, as Paris can't really seem to decide who or what she wants her music to sound like. It's a shame. She could have done so much better.

Recommended for Hilary Duff fans, but only those who are over 18. Oh, and third graders.

Key Tracks:
1. "Stars are Blind"
2. "Screwed"
3. "Turn you On"

2 out of 5 Stars