(Movies) "John Tucker Must Die"

Don't let the title confuse you. John Tucker does not die, though I can't say how thrilled I would have been if this event were to have come to pass. No, as fate would have it, nobody dies in this movie. In fact, the only people who end up close to death by the end of the movie are the audience, who, in all likelihood, will be scrambling about in the theater, desperately searching for something pointy to impale themselves with.

Yeah, its that bad.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't walk into this movie expecting to see something that was Oscar-worthy. Hell, to say that I even walked in willingly would be a lie beyond comprehension. However, after the suggestion from my sister, who compared this movie to "Mean Girls," I thought I'd go check it out.

"Mean Girls" this move is definitely not.

If anything it plays out like a subpar episode of Salute Your Shorts, where everyone on the screen knows the stereotype of their character and exploits it to no end. There's the nerdy girl, who's way too hot to be nerdy, but apparently not too hot to develop complex computer programs to plan John Tucker's demise, or get her hands on oober expensive spy equipment to sneak a peak at Mr. Tucker's dating life. Of course, let's not forget the cheerleader who is assertive and sexually active, but not too slutty because that would tarnish her image. That role is filled by the vegan slut of the movie, who is dumb in every imaginable form, and gets by by her unfathomable ability to work a man over. Last but not least we have the poor, wholesome (yet unfathomably hot) girl, who like Lindsay Lohan in "Mean Girls," is just caught in the middle of someone else's evil scheme that transforms her from a nobody to the most popular girl in the school.

It all feels as if its been done before. That's because it has.

Clearly, this was a film pieced together for the dumbest of the 13-year-old girl spectrum. So dumb, in fact, that a line like "Slut in truck" will undoubtedly fill your theater with a roar of intolerable girl-cackles, simply because it kind of rhymes. Of course, if you're a normal human being, you won't go see this movie. But if you're on the fringe, teeter-tottering between seeing this movie or sawing off your face, let me highly recommend the latter to you.

Recommended for no one.

Directing: 2 out of 5 Stars

Acting: 1 out of 5 Stars

Writing: 1 out of 5 Stars

Overall: 1 out of 5 Stars