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Sunday, September 09, 2007

Top 10 Reasons to Not Watch the 2007 VMAs

I shouldn't have to write this blog. I really shouldn't. But I want to be 100% sure that none of you cave in and watch the Video Music Awards tonight on MTV. In the last few years, ratings for the show have dropped tremendously and so producers have been scrambling to find something to boost ratings. They found it in a bipolar has-been who is under investigation for child abuse. I know it'll be tempting to tune in and watch Britney Spears embarrass herself, but you'll be able to find videos of it tomorrow all over the place. If that's not enough of a reason for you, here are a few more that should make you rethink your decision.

#10: Diddy Will Be There - The only thing cool Diddy has ever done was make a bunch of high school drop-outs walk for 3 hours to get him a cheesecake. That's it! Everything else the man has ever done has been for publicity or self-promotion. He's a no-talent assclown of unfathomable proportions, proven by the fact that he changes his name every 3 years and each time they get increasingly ridiculous. Supporting the 2007 VMAs is like supporting Diddy which is like supporting Nazis. If you can't make the connection on your own, tough luck. I'm not going to explain it to you.

#9: You didn't support the Anti-Video Awards Awards, you shouldn't support this! - I know you may not realize this, but in an attempt to give actual artists a chance to win awards for their videos, I created the Anti-Video Awards Awards. The winners wouldn't be chosen by some anonymous panel of record label execs and MTV producers but by YOU. But YOU didn't vote and so nobody won! Chances are, if you're reading this blog, we share the same musical tastes. If you can't support artists that you actually like, why the hell would you support this garbage? Besides, it's a known fact that the VMAs are the world's largest concentrated source of methane gas, thus contributing to global warming. I don't know about you, but I think polar bears kick ass! Just think about it, k?

#8: There is a Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration award - Everyone knows that mainstream artists collaborate with other mainstream artists to sell more records. It typically has very little to do with one artist complementing another one's talents, but usually two megastars fighting for time on a 3 1/2 minute track. To make matters worth, the nominated videos aren't even that earth shattering. Akon and Eminem for "Smack That?" How could you nominate the one video that single-handedly proved that Eminem is no longer the great rapper he once was, especially when his collaborator is Akon? AKON!? More like A-KONundrum as to why he's actually famous. Am I right?

#7: Fergie is Nominated for Female Artist of the Year - It's bad enough for Fergie to be nominated for anything. The fact that she's nominated for artist of the year would be like MTV giving an award to Jill Sobule for "I Kissed A Girl" back in 1995. But they didn't because they had some sort of credibility back then! The only award Fergie should ever be nominated for is Best Kirstie Allie on Methamphetamines After Being a Victim of Domestic Abuse Impersonation. She'd win that one hands down!

#6: Justice and Peter, Bjorn and John are nominated but will lose to artists less worthy - I'm a fan of both of these artists, so it's clear to me that their nominations are really just MTV desperately searching for some credibility. Hell, Justice is nominated for video of the year for "D.A.N.C.E.," which they should totally win by the way. Of course, if they did win, the stage would be rushed by a sobbing Kanye West, whining about how he didn't win because MTV is racist and how he spent 20 million dollars producing the video. You know what, THAT you should tune in for, because there's nothing more entertaining than a Kanye West meltdown.

#5: MTV DOESN'T PLAY VIDEOS!!!! - I know it's cliché to say "MTV doesn't play videos" but come on! I went to and checked to see how many videos MTV has played in the last 48 hours. Guess how many. NONE! Not a single music video! Oh sure, they play music videos on TRL and in a one-hour block at 5am, but that'd be like Nickelodeon giving out the Fairly Odd-Parents Awards to characters that have appeared in the show. It's a ridiculous idea. Give me the real MTV Awards! Who wouldn't want to see L.C. and that girl from that one episode of "Next" battle it out for the Vapid Whore of the Year Award?

#4: Have you seen who's performing? - Britney Spears, Foo Fighters, Fall Out Boy, Rihanna, Nelly Furtado, 50 Cent, Gym Class Heroes, Chris Brown, Kanye West, Akon, Lil' Wayne, Maroon 5, etc. No thank you!

#3: The Quadruple Threat of the Year Award - Here's an award that doesn't even have anything to do with music videos. Instead, it's the who can do the most things halfway decent award. Beyonce as a quadruple threat? Please! Did anyone see "Dreamgirls?" I haven't seen worse overacting in a movie since Bruce Campbell in "Army of Darkness"...and that was supposed to be bad! Giving her an award for it would be like giving Paris Hilton an award for making an album. Both are bad ideas and whoever thought of this dumb award should be reprimanded, and by reprimanded I mean murdered.

#2: Stereogum will be live blogging the whole event - If you absolutely have to know what's happening when it's happening, go to and read their live blog. They'll be updating it every time something of note happens, so you'll be able to stay with all of your loser friends tomorrow at school when they're slapping each others' asses and talking about how Britney Spears is "hot" again.

#1: "This Is Why I'm Hot" is nominated for Monster Single of the Year - Surely you've heard this song by MIMS where a bunch of "rappers" say "This is why I'm hot" to no end! I know that the term "monster" is supposed to be hip and cool, but in this case I think it should be taken literally. No longer is MIMS' single hip, but an actual monster, roaming the country and single-handedly setting African Americans back a good decade or so. To think that hip hop has come so far only to have "This Is Why I'm Hot" nominated for Single of the Year. Tupac would be rolling over in his grave if he weren't still alive. No seriously...he's on some island in the South Pacific, laying low for a while. Just wait.

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