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Friday, November 09, 2007

The 5 Worst Songs of 2007

Generally speaking, 2007 has been a really great year for music. We've seen great albums from Of Montreal, The New Pornographers and other established bands, as well as some surprises from newcomers like St. Vincent. Amidst this lineup of great albums though lies a small, but terrible collection of songs that never should have existed. Now I'm just one guy, so I can guarantee you that I haven't heard all the worst songs that 2007 has to offer, especially since I try to avoid bad music at all costs. But from the albums I've listened to and reviewed this year, the following songs stand out as the 5 Worst Songs of 2007.


#5: Rilo Kiley - "15" - Musically, "15" is a fairly decent song. It's in no way impressive, or even memorable, but it's not downright bad. What is bad about "15" is the lyrics. Who would've thought that a love story about a male twenty-something falling in love and having a physical relationship with a 15-year old girl would be the year's pop anthem? Only Jenny Lewis apparently, who when performing the song live feels the need to get the crowd into it by waving her hand in the hopes of reciprocation. It's just that Jenny forgot one thing. It's not sexy, it's creepy (and pretty much illegal). No one wants to hear about a 15-year old child who is "ripe like a peach" and "down for almost anything." No one except sex offenders and 13-year old boys, that is. That's not exactly the audience I'd be targeting if I were Rilo Kiley.

#4: M.I.A. - "Jimmy" - M.I.A.'s abysmal cover of "Jimmy Jimmy Aaja" (from the 1980's Bollywood flick, Disco Dancer) was so bad that it stood out as the worst track on Kala, an album that I wasn't too fond of to begin with. I have to give her credit for trying to branch out from the straight-up grime/hip hop style that she's known for, but the pseudo-disco production and over-sexed "Jimmy" moans pretty much guaranteed the song a spot on this list. The story behind Maya's connection to the song is pretty cool and all, but someone along the way should have had the foresight to axe this one before it made it to the record (much less a single). I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I'm definitely one of the few music bloggers/critics out there who isn't completely in love with M.I.A., so that's a possibility.

#3: Britney Spears - "Toy Soldier" - Ugh. I'm already pissed about the fact that my review of Britney's new album was overrun by the moronic-majority over at Amazon.com, and then the other night I go jogging with my sister only to find that she has Britney on her iPod. Am I the only one left in the world who has the good sense to not buy into this garbage? Anyways, of all the songs on Blackout, none was more cringe-inducing than "Toy Soldier," a song in which Britney resorts to the tried and true "I need a soldier" song (and by tried and true I mean entirely overused). It's bad enough when she's rapping "peek-a-boo he good" like an illiterate human being, but by the time she's singing "I need a really bad ass soldier" you just kinda have to gouge your ears out and cry yourself to sleep. It's just one of many examples of songs on Blackout that shouldn't have ever been penned. But hey! You can dance to it!

#2: Maroon 5 - "Kiwi" - In case you haven't noticed yet, I'm a pretty big fan of lyrics. It's my policy that if the lyrics are a joke, 95% of the time the song will be also. Never was that more apparent this year than on Maroon 5's "Kiwi" in which Adam Levine tells you everything you didn't want to know, and probably a little bit more. So when he says he wants to be a "stronger and faster lover," I'm pretty sure he's talking about getting his pelvis up to about 100 TPM (Thrusts Per Minute). Ok. Fine. But then he takes it one step backwards in the chorus and says "Sweet Kiwi, your juices dripping down my chin." That's just gross! No one wants to hear about that Adam! Not a single solitary person other than yourself. Keep it where it belongs. In the bedroom, in your mind, and out of our thoughts. Thanks!

#1: Boddicker - "Bon Vivant" - Being a pretty big fan of indie music, you wouldn't think that the one song on my list that was actually put out by an indie artist would be the worst song of the year. But you'd be wrong, because a lot of indie music sucks. Case in point, Caleb Boddicker. I've never reviewed an album as low as Boddicker's 2007 debut, Big Lionhearted and the Gallant Man (1 out of 10 Stars), as I usually find enough about an album to enjoy to at least give it a few stars (Britney got 3). But Boddicker just upped the suck so much that I couldn't find one single song that I enjoyed for even a few seconds. Of all of the atrocious songs on the album, "Bon Vivant" is the worst and one of the worst I've ever heard in my life. Boddicker doesn't sing his lyrics, he howls them. He barks them. On "Bon Vivant" he howls, "The fooooooooooooooood tastes so gooooooooooooooood," sending fingers flying towards the skip forward button. When showing it to family and friends, they begged me to turn it off before I finally did. What other song garners that sort of knee-jerk response? Maybe the "Nails on the Chalkboard" song that I just made up in my head, but other than that, nothing.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

haha, I love that you consider yourself an Indie music fan

youre a fucking idiot, boddicker is golden

Anonymous said...

I listened to the track again and it reminded me why I like Boddicker. I Guess by your comparison that most of Modest Mouse's output sucks too? Especially when Isaac howls his guts out? Shut the fuck up