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Friday, March 28, 2008

The Top 5 Alternative Rock Bands That Should Have Never Existed

Just as a precursor to all of the greatness that you're about to read, I think I should note that I'm currently about the sickest I've ever been in my entire life right now.  If for some reason this post ends abruptly, it's most likely because my head has exploded into 347, 982 separate pieces and has completely ruined my MacBook in the process.  Anyhow, a few weeks ago, Erin listed 5 Alternative One Hit Wonders, and today I'd like to add to that list.  The following list is of 5 One Hit Wonders that were so bad that they never should have even existed!  What were we thinking?

5:  Fountains of Wayne - "Stacey's Mom" was a guilty pleasure for just about everybody back in the day.  And hey, who can blame you?  It was catchy, kinda funny, and the video featured Rachel Hunter in a bikini.  What's not to love?  Oh, I don't know...maybe the fact that the song is probably one of the most ridiculous pieces of music I've ever heard in my lie.  "Stacey's Mom has got it goin' on.  She's all I want and I've waited so long."  Really?  Thankfully, the band's other songs never caught on, and most of us never had to endure anything past this song.  Which is good, because that album was obscenely stupid.  I know because I owned it.  *sigh*

4:  Marcy Playground - I remember it being the summer of 1998 and doing this whole thing for marching band.  This jackass named Jeff is standing around singing this song ("Sex and Candy"), and I thought to myself, "Wow, he actually likes that song?"  That actually means a lot, because at the time I was into a lot of crappy music (The Offspring, mostly).  I don't know why I never liked this song, but as I'm listening to it on iMeem right now, I can't help but feel that I was right all along.  Here's a little snippet from the chorus for your reading pleasure:  "I smell sex and candy here.  Who's that lounging in my chair?  Who's that casting devious stares in my direction?"  Ahh, yes.  Such lyrical grace has only been seen on the rarest of occasions.  

3: Lit - I always love when those "Buzz" rock commercials come on and I get to hear 3 second clips of all the songs I used to love.  However, when Lit's "My Own Worst Enemy" comes on, I cringe just a little bit.  It's another one of those songs that was supposed to be funny, but just wound up being annoying.  "It's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy, 'cause every now and then I kick the living shit out of me."  Oh, please do tell!  I'm so glad I didn't buy into this crap...I'm pretty sure my sister did though.  I wonder how she feels about that purchase today?

2:  Stabbing Westward - Funny story.  I'm walking through best buy about 4 or 5 years ago and I see Stabbing Westward's CD, Darkest Days, sitting there.  I thought, hey I remember them having that one song "Save Yourself" back in the day.  That song was cool!  So I bought it.  Bad idea.  As it turns out, "Save Yourself" is not a good song, and everything else on this album is even worse.  There's this running joke between me and my brother in law where I try to pawn this CD off on him.  He always refuses and it always goes right back on the CD shelf.  You know a CD is bad when you can't even give it away...

1:  Crazy Town - "Come my lady, come come my lady.  Be my butterfly sugar baby."  Oh, I can't even begin to tell you the depths of my hatred for this song and for the band responsible for it.  I remember watching an MTV interview with these guys around the time "Butterfly" came out.  The interviewer asked something along the lines of, "You released two singles before this song.  Did you know it would be such a huge hit." To which, the dude with the bleached blonde tips responded, "Oh yeah, we knew it would be huge.  But we didn't want to be remembered as the guys who made "Butterfly."  We wanted people to get into our other stuff too."  Hey, here's a question for everyone, name another Crazy Town song?  What?  You can't do it?  Don't worry, I doubt bleached blonde tips could do it either.  

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