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Friday, May 30, 2008

The 5 Worst Actors Turned Musicians

"Musicians" is  a generous term when describing the following 5 actors who got bored with their day jobs.  If I grab a guitar and sing random crap, does that make me a musician, or does it make me a d-bag with a guitar and a voice?  I'll leave that deep question to the philosophers out there.  For all us normal folks, here's a list of 5 actors that need to get out from behind the microphone and act.  For the love of god, just act!!


#5:  Juliette Lewis (from Juliette and the Licks) - Juliette Lewis has never really impressed me as an actress.  She was okay in "Natural Born Killers" but I found her more convincing as a mentally handicapped girl.  In Juliette and the Licks, she takes over the ever-daunting job of fronting a rock band.  Fortunately for her, the band ain't all that bad.  Really the only thing that makes me despise Juliette Lewis as a musician is her "out there" stage presence and her abnormally annoying vocal styles.  It's like she spends most of her time trying to mimmick Gwen Stefani's old No Doubt style.  But when it comes to technicality, she can hit the notes and all the inflections fairly well.  For the time being, however, I'll keep on avoiding The Licks.  I just feel much better with myself that way.

#4:  Keanu Reeves (from Dogstar) - Oh, Dogstar!  There's a reason we all like to hate on this band, and it has a lot to do with Keanu Reeves.  We all knew the guy was a terrible actor (I mean, who saw "Bram Stoker's Dracula?"  That movie was hella ballsy.  In Dogstar, Reeves takes over the bass guitar and even adds in some vocals here and there.  The result is even more mediocre then his skills on the big screen.  Of course, it's not all his fault.  The rest of the band is a strange concoction of suck that few would dare face.  If you need proof, I highly suggest their cover of "Superstar."  It's almost as bad as the Sonic Youth one.

#3:  Jada Pinkett-Smith (from Wicked Wisdom) - Ok, so when you hear "Hey, Jada Pinkett-Smith fancies herself a musician," what genre pops into your head?  R&B?  Hip hop?  Bubble-gum pop?  As it turns out, all of those genres might be perfect fits for J. P-S, but we'll never know for sure because she sings in the heavy metal band, Wicked Wisdom.  I know, right?  What the hell?  Ok, ok, let's try to keep an open mind.  Don't form an opinion until you've heard what they sound like.  Fair enough.
Something Inside of Me - Wicked Wisdom
Now, if you haven't taken a power drill to your ear canal yet, I'll give you a few seconds to get the proper materials needed to achieve success in this endeavor.  Believe it or not, there are still two "artists" who I consider to be worse than this.  Take a deep breath.  Moving on...

#2:  Scarlett Johansson - Be honest, who wasn't entirely let down Scarlett's "Anywhere I Lay My Head?"  Oh sure, there were the few music critics out there who gave her positive remarks for her efforts, but I have serious doubts as to whether they ever made it past the cover art.  When I heard she was making a CD of Tom Waits covers, I thought it would be - at the very least - interesting.  But I was wrong.  It's not interesting.  Not even close.  It is boring, simple, downright horrendous music.  Scarlett's voice is absolutely gorgeous when she's talking, but when she sings, flowers whither and birds drop out of the sky.  Well, that may be a little harsh.  Perhaps I'll just say that Sarah Plain and Tall has nothing on Scarlett.  Get it?  Because her voice is plain!  *sigh*  Ok, well I tried.

#1:  Jena Malone (from The Shoe, and other terrible, terrible projects) - I am absolutely a huge Jena Malone fan.  Her work in "Saved!" and "Donnie Darko" is by no means Oscar-worthy, but they were roles that she totally nailed!  Her work as a musician is a bunch of preachy, idiotic, pretentious noise.  She can't sing at all.  She makes Paris Hilton sound like effing Celine Dion.  Her guitar playing makes Daniel Johnston sound like Eric Clapton.  Jena Malone is a downright awful musician!  The worse part is how indie bloggers and journalists are ranting and raving about her music.  One time I wrote, composed, and recorded an entire 18-track album in 24 hours.  It was 100% better than Jena Malone's music.  And that's not me being cocky...because it totally sucked it up.  But Jena...SUCKS. IT. UP!

61 comments:

Erin said...

I'm sure that picture is more awful than anything she ever did musically...

Cale said...

http://www.myspace.com/theshoeperforms

Not Even Close....

Ben said...

the jena malone stuff i watched on youtube made my face melt like a nazi at the end of "raiders..." it made the jada pinkett smith stuff sound welcomed. oh...and I have never been able to look at juliette lewis the same after she played the mentally challenged girl. i see her as that character in every movie.

Megan P.I. said...

I'm with Ben. Whenever I hear Juliette talk, all I can picture is "The Other Sister".

You didn't mention Keanu's other band he was in, which according to wikipedia was called Becky. I randomly saw them they opened up for one of Monique Powell's [of Save Ferris] last regular gigs in Los Angeles a few years ago. It was kinda cool in a "Oh, Keanu Reeves is standing 5 feet away from me" kinda way. But not so cool because the music was terrible and when some very obviously underage girls yelled "Take off your shirt!" he yelled "Take off pants!" which sounded so terribly sleazy.

Anonymous said...

When Jena hits a high note my dogs howl...

Yep, even my dogs hate it and I am more than sure that she is letting her own pets both write her lyrics and compose her music for her.

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