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Friday, April 25, 2008

The Top 5 Artists I Never Want to Hear Ever, Ever Again!

Let's face it, some musicians just suck.  As a writer on a blog that deals primarily with indie music, I'm exposed to a lot of suck on a regular basis.  But little known to most people, there are actually two kinds of suck.  "Suck Type A" is when an artist sucks, but has enough talent to pique your interest and hope for better days.  "Suck Type B" is when an artist sucks so badly that it completely changes your outlook on the music world, so badly that you never want to even think about that artist ever again!  Naturally, this list is about artists who fall into Suck Type B.  So I present to you, faithful reader, the Top 5 Artists I Never Want to Hear Ever, Ever Again!

#5:  The Go! Team - Every. Song. Sounds. Exactly. The. Effing. Same!  Honestly, I'm all for getting fans pumped up, jumping up and down and grinding on each other.  But after about 12 minutes, just give it a freakin' rest already!  The Go! Team isn't bad enough musically to warrant being #1 on this list, but they have absolutely no idea how to put together an emotionally gratifying song; no clue how to make something that isn't a barrage of loud instruments and unintelligible lyrics.  If you've heard one song, you've got a pretty good idea of what the rest of 'em sound like.  That's good enough reason for me to never listen to them again.

#4:  The Teenagers - You may remember The Teenagers from a little playlist I made, oh, two days ago.  The lead-off track to their debut album, Reality Check, "Homecoming," is really one of the most awkwardly inappropriate songs I've ever heard.  Unfortunately, there's nothing really all that impressive about it.  The beginning of it sounds like a car commercial, and the rest of it is just gross...and kind of funny.  The rest of the album just tries to recreate that kind of immature humor, but fails miserably.  I can only listen to a dude talking over instruments for so long, and my threshold for such "music" decreases with every damn pop culture reference and poorly-executed joke.  No thanks.

#3:  Mike McCarroll - I'm with Erin on this one.  Mike McCarroll seems like a nice guy and all.  My brief correspondence with the guy led me to believe that he's just a regular guy trying to live out his dream of making music.  That's what makes me feel so horrible about putting him on this list.  But damn, his CD just didn't do it for me at all.  I stopped listening after about 3 songs and proceeded to pawn the album off to Erin to review.  Country music isn't my thing to begin with, when you mix it with blues and rock - well, I'm almost forced to find some sort of gouging object for my ears.

#2:  Benny Benassi - He literally uses the same damn synth sound for every single song that he does!  This is why I don't go to clubs!  It's not because I'm 6'7" and would be entirely awkward the whole time, it's because of crappy music by Benny Benassi.  I mean, if I'm going to stick to the whole "I never want to hear this artist again" thing, then I need to avoid going to places where said artist can be heard.  There's just something so appropriate about seeing a bunch of unevolved apes out on a dance floor listening to the most simplistic, repetitive, uninteresting nonsense that has probably ever been made.  Benny Benassi gives electronic music a bad name and has probably done more harm to the human race than anyone else in the last 20 years - dictators excluded, of course.

#1:  Boddicker - I reviewed Caleb Boddicker's debut album about a year ago, and I'll be damned if it isn't as gut-wrenchingly bad today as it was back then.  The guy can barely play music, he can't sing for balls, and his lyrics are just obnoxiously bad.  Take this little gem, for example,  "When I go out/ I find things out/ I twist and shout/ and kiss your mouth."  No, that's the actual lyric to, get this, one of his better songs.  I loaned this CD to a friend last May, just to show her how bad it was.  I haven't heard from her since.  That's what I'm saying, folks!  Boddicker is so bad that she a.) decided that I wasn't worth being friends with after letting her hear it, b.) killed herself, or c.) moved to Nova Scotia.  The bottom line is this:  friends don't let friends listen to Boddicker!  Now, I would consider some of my readers friends, so I must insist that you don't listen to the following song.  But for those of you reading who I don't know or care to know, brace yourself for badness.  

EDIT: Sorry, I had to add this song in there. Totally the worst thing you'll ever hear!


Erin said...

Not sure if those were the words I used... Maybe though.

Ste. Goldie said...

That Boddicker is HORRIBLE. This is a wonderful blog post. Thank you for brave blogging and calling people out on their crappy contribution to the muisc world...